Jennifer Blacklock Blog

I can’t quite believe how things have worked out, how God has worked things out, for this upcoming birth. From three c-sections and a tubal to a natural home birth (but not in my home)… all of it is just something I could never have orchestrated on my own, and I’m so thankful for God’s hand in it all.

During the time I was so passionately learning about birth- the medicalization of it, hospitals and their policies, natural and physiological birth, midwifery, home birth, VBAC facts and statistics, and all different sorts of birth stories- I knew what I wanted if we were ever to be able and blessed to conceive another baby. I wanted a home birth. I wanted to birth the way women have for thousands of years; to trust my body’s God-given instincts and abilities; to see contractions as waves that were accomplishing a grand purpose, not as pain that needed to be escaped; to have my children there; to be free to move around, not strapped and attached to all sorts of devices; to feel comfortable and safe and free to “progress” at the pace my body and baby needed. I know it doesn’t appeal to everyone, but oh, how perfectly and deeply it appealed to me!

I had thought and dreamed of a home birth for so long, even when I was sterile before I had the tubal reversed! I visualized it when we lived in the RV- it would be cramped but we could make it work!- and then was so grateful when we bought our house (a double-wide manufactured home pre-owned by some friends of ours) instead of building a new home because now we wouldn’t have to wait to build and would have a home for the home birth if we were ever to be pregnant.

But somehow, when I finally did became pregnant, and this thing I’d been dreaming of was suddenly actually an option, I didn’t feel so absolutely sure we should do it, and neither did Justin.

Not wanting to be motivated by fear and having done plenty of research into c-sections, VBACs, interventions etc., but also not quite able to shake the big “what if”- the small risk of uterine rupture- with us being an hour from a hospital, left us both feeling hesitant. We decided to be open to multiple options and, in prayer and trust, see where God would lead. I scheduled with the hospital for a prenatal appointment and also with a group of midwives to compare and discuss options.

When the midwives said they wouldn’t be able to attend me at a home birth due to New Mexico laws (no home VBAC after more than one c-section), I didn’t despair; I took it as “not meant to be”, not where God was leading. I trusted that He would guide us where He wanted us, where would be best. I called several midwives and birth centers in Albuquerque and got the same answer. So, okay, we would just deliver at the hospital in Las Cruces, an hour away, and I would be prepared to stand my ground about a VBAC. I wouldn’t let them fear-monger me or bait-and-switch me; I’d know my rights, do my research, get a doula, and be firm. (I had to amp myself up about it because “being firm” is not one of my strong points.)

Randomly (well, seemingly so, I’m learning that nothing is accidental or coincidental with God) right after we’d made the decision to birth at the hospital, someone asked if I’d ever considered having a natural home birth. I briefly told about how I wished I could have and about the NM midwives, and it seemed like that was that, but afterwards it was like the switch had been turned back on, a flame reignited- I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Was there any possible way (besides unassisted home birth, which I did consider but decided against)? One Las Cruces midwife had suggested looking for a midwife in El Paso, since Texas laws were different. I searched online and found one I was instantly drawn to. Her website had some information on it that I wasn’t sure was current, but, hoping for the best, I sent an email to the address I found that afternoon. A few days later a Texas number called, and I answered with a racing heart.

I told her my situation- I’ve had three c-sections and am hoping to have a vaginal birth this time. She responded that she has attended many VBACs after multiple c-sections! She told me about her experience and asked me about my reasons for the c-sections. She was knowledgeable, experienced, straightforward, and friendly. We set up a time to meet, and I hung up, not fully believing that this may actually be possible.

I decided to keep my options open and continue care with my OBGYN in Las Cruces also. I would ask them how supportive they’d be of a VBAC (firmly, knowing my research, knowing my rights) at my first appointment with my doctor the next week and meet with the midwife after that.

I felt nervous at my doctor’s appointment- I knew how most doctors and hospitals viewed this, I knew how they’d answered me in the past, but I was determined now, I was well informed and educated now, and I was ready to stand my ground. I expected a bit of a “battle” but was sure I could win. After the initial questions, I gathered my courage and said, “and I’d like a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean), how supportive would this hospital be of that?” I expected his answer might be something like “well, its very risky, but we can try” or what I’d received from my last doctor that turned out to be a bait-and-switch “we’ll see how thick your scar looks in an ultrasound and determine whether or not by that”, or at worst maybe just tell me it wasn’t a good idea but if it was what I insisted then here were all the risks to try to dissuade me.

“That’s a hard no” was the answer I was given instead. Hardly breaking for a breath, not to mention giving me a chance to get a word in edgewise, he followed with a slew of scare tactics and biased “risks” and said I would never find any doctor or hospital that would allow me to try.

If I hadn’t had the hope of the midwife that God had lovingly already given me beforehand, I know I would’ve broken down crying. But the longer he talked the more I was sure how right the new path I was starting on was. I decided it wasn’t worth it to try to change this doctors mind, so I simply said “okay” every now and then while he finished his speech, then left with no intention of continuing my care there.

My prenatal care with the midwife has been comfortable and personal. It’s not wildly different- she still orders bloodwork labs and ultrasounds for me, still takes urine samples and checks baby’s heart rate, my blood pressure, etc. at appointments, which are still at the regular intervals that they would be with an OBGYN, and I still have to travel to the appointments, to her home, since she’s almost two hours away and has other clients who she can’t be that far from.

What is different from my hospital experiences is that she actually talks to me, explains things to me, informs me and treats me like a real person; she went over the reports from my other births to help me understand and process them; she enjoys my children rather than forbidding them. Best and most important of all, I think, is that she feels confident, not worried or scared, about me having a VBAC. She dutifully informed me of risks (of both VBAC and repeat cesarean- interestingly, no doctor has ever gone over the risks of c-section with me before!) and maintains a realistically positive, fact-based outlook rather than a fearful one.

So now, amazingly, our dream of having a home birth and VBAC is underway. The plan is to stay at an Airbnb in El Paso when the time comes. There’s a very good hospital in El Paso with 24/7 staffing, so that if that 0.5-2%-chance-likely-to happen-thing were to happen, we’d have quick access to the necessary help, which takes away the hesitation we had when we were considering our own home being an hour from a hospital. An Airbnb would not be my first choice, comfort-wise, as my own home would be, but it’s next best and definitely far higher on my list than a hospital. (I think even the car is higher on my list than a hospital now).

I’m still in awe of how God is guiding us through this and making a way, and I am excited everyday for this birth!