Jennifer Blacklock

“Don’t stomp, it’s too loud!” I whisper-shout to my three-year old, knowing the thumping will likely wake the baby I just eased into bed for a nap.

My jumping toddler pauses for a split second, then does one big stomp and looks at me.

Frustration, anger and confusion rise up in me at this show of defiance. Why is he doing this to me?

Or is he?

First of all, we’ll both be better off if I first choose to assume good instead of bad of him. This doesn’t mean ignoring behavior or turning a blind eye to disobedience; rather, it’s about choosing to see the good in him as another image-bearer of God. So instead of assuming that he’s trying to make my life miserable (which is the assumption, whether conscious or not, when I think things like “seriously? How could he?”), I can assume that he’s doing his best. In need of correction? Yes. But he’s not out to ruin my day.

Secondly, more than him doing something to me, I did something to him when I gave the command the way I did. 

Children need guidance, correction, discipline. They need consistency and, importantly, clarity. “Don’t ____” is not clear or best for guidance for a child.

One problem with “don’t ____” is that children think in images. The example I learned as a new mom years ago is that when a parent says “don’t jump in the puddle”, the young child sees “jump” and “puddle”, and is likely to disobey simply because of their immature, not-fully-developed brains.

Now, by no means does this excuse a parent from proper and timely correction. If I say to myself “well, I shouldn’t have given a negative command, it was my fault he disobeyed” and leave his actions un-dealt with, I’m reenforcing disobedience in my child. This will disrupt our attachment to each other and will make him unhappy in the long run as selfishness and a lack of self-control comes to rule him. Besides this, teaching our children to obey us hopefully teaches them, much more importantly, to obey God. I can think of no greater gift to give my children than to teach them to walk in obedience to their loving Creator. 

All this said, parents have a responsibility to not make it any harder than necessary for our children to obey us.

Another problem with a negation or negative command- a “don’t”- is that it leaves the child at a loss as far as what to do. 

Instead of “don’t jump in the puddle”. Or “don’t stomp”, a better solution is a positive command- something that tells what to do. “Use very soft feet right now, the baby is asleep.” “Let’s walk around this puddle so our shoes stay dry.”

Direct them in the way to obey. 

Giving children clear direction about what to do, even for older kids and teens, is much more helpful in teaching obedience than defaulting to commanding them what not to do.

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