I saw a video by the hilarious Emily Vondy talking about the boldness of her little daughter that was wonderful and laughable- she told her daughter to hold her hand at the grocery store, and when her daughter refused, an older man, with surely the best of intentions, pretended to be “going to get her if she didn’t hold mommy’s hand”. The toddler girl at this point firmly held up her hand to show him not to get in her space and blew a raspberry at him. The mom said in the video she had to fight the impulse to apologize, recognizing the importance of her daughter having and showing boundaries and said she’s learning right along with her two year old.
I’m certainly learning right along with my kids and was inspired by this little story, as well as in the back of my mind thinking what a terrible job I’ve done teaching my kids not to people-please. I may have told them a few times about it, but of course “more is caught than taught”- they’re learning by what they see me do, and they’ve definitely seen me people-please.
Now I must add that this is over-emphasized in certain spheres- this idea of “boundaries” that’s actually just a disguise for plain selfishness. “Anything or anyone that offends me or isn’t my preference is ‘toxic’”. I’m not encouraging that mindset. It is often good and necessary to “die to our flesh” (Romans 8:13)- to lay aside our own preferences for the sake of others and the sake of Christ. Love comes a thousand times before self-gratification.
However, it is not always, or even often, loving or godly to say yes or do whatever other people want.
We often talk with our kids about the difference between being passive, assertive, or aggressive. Assertive is what we all should aim for when dealing with other people. We want to stand up for ourselves, others, and what’s right without compromising, but also without becoming mean and rude.
People pleasing cares only what people think, not what God thinks.
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe“.
Proverbs 29:25
I’ve been a chronic people-pleaser most of my life (my theory is that it often originates in public school). When I can tell that someone expects something of me, I feel an urge to meet their expectation. Whether this is agreeing to do some favor or participate in some activity, or acting a certain way or having knowledge about a certain subject- my impulse is to act in the expected/desired way. Even my terribly regretted tubal-ligation was chosen mainly from worrying that people would think we had too many kids if we had more than three! (That story, if you’re interested).
Some ways I people-please on a regular basis:
-Pretending to be spontaneous and cool with just “going with the flow”, when really I am a planner and have a hard time with anxiety if I dont know what to expect of a situation.
-Not speaking up about my faith in the face of lots of New-Age “spiritual” talk at the local Farmer’s Market where I often sell.
-Waving it off and pretending no to care when people “apologize” (insincerely) for cussing, smoking, talking about inappropriate things, etc.
-Pretending to laugh or be amused when poeple “sneakily” mock kids’ innocence or ignorance- like, “I know what he’ll be into in a few years, wink wink”.
-Pretending it’s no big deal when people get openly angry or super annoyed at their kids in a showy way- like send them off angrily or tell them they’re going to “whoop them” then sighing dramatically and rolling their eyes and laughing it off.
-Saying yes to every “opportunity” and invitation.
-Joining in when people complain, even if just by sighing and saying vague sarcastic agreements like “then we get to do it all over again tomorrow”.
-Courtesy laughing or groaning when people speak negatively about the “teen years”, when I’m actually prayerfully optimistic, hopeful and intentional in preparing for.
-Even as silly as pretending to know what someone said when I didn’t hear them or pretending to know what people are talking about when I actually don’t- movies, politics, news, etc.
Recently we were at a fundraiser dinner and a man I didn’t know, but was an acquaintance of my husband, came up to our table and held out his arms and said “lemme see the kid”. I “heh-heh”ed nervously and looked at Justin and back at the man who was persistently holding out his hands towards my four-month old and making motions to give her to him. I gave in to the urge to please at all costs, handed her to him, and watched him walk to his table and sit down in his chair! Now, obviously this was just his personality and it was clear my baby was safe, and we had a full view of her the whole time, but everything in me was screaming “give me my baby!”. I nervously watched and tensed every muscle in me as I waited. After a minute that seemed an eternity, he sauntered back over and handed her back, and he and Justin made small talk for a moment or two before he returned to his table.
Ah! Even just recalling it fills me with dread. And my kids watched this whole thing. Our kids read us. They see past words and actions. They knew that I didn’t want this stranger man to hold their little sister but I let him anyway because I “couldn’t” say no.
That is not what I want to teach my children.
An almost identical situation occurred a couple months prior- I was helping run a yard sale, and an older lady I’d never met before, very social and talkative, had been there looking and chatting for a while. She finally just settled herself near me to chat; she said how sweet my newborn baby was and asked to hold her and, sigh, against everything in me, I handed her over. It was fine, but the whole time in my head I was thinking of what I could say to get her to hand her back and even so far as imagining if I were to have to chase this woman down if she ran off, or if I could quickly enough catch Willa if the lady dropped her. (This type of thought process comes from OCD with intrusive thoughts.)
BUT…
God uses everything. He’s growing me. Nothing bad happened; I still wish I had done differently, but all I can do now is see it as a lovingly-given opportunity for me to learn.
I thought about both those scenarios and decided what I should’ve said was “I don’t feel comfortable with that”. It demonstrates healthy boundaries to my children, it honors my motherly instincts, and it’s not unkind or disrespectful towards the other person.
Well, this past week another similar situation presented itself- an acquaintance who I’ve always have “bad vibes” from (or maybe Holy Spirit discernment) asked if she could hold baby Willa. All my alarms went off, and, simultaneously, all my people-pleasing impulses urged me to hand her over. But instead I said, “I’m not really comfortable with that.”
And hey! Everything was fine. The lady clicked her tongue and walked away.
Now, for this to happen so similarly, I just can’t believe would be coincidence, I know God is using it to teach me.
We talked about people pleasing today, the kids and I. I talked through the times I recently gave in (the yard sale lady and dinner man), and the more recent time I used what God taught and said I wan’t comfortable with the woman holding Willa. The conversation turned into realizing dangers of people pleasing strangers. We role played (the best way to teach children, especially young ones, concepts like this); Lyla was stranger and Perry was himself, then switched- “Hey kid, come here, I need help carrying something from my car”; “no, I’m not comfortable with that” (or sometimes, “NO! Get away from me!”)
It’s not too late for anything, we just go from where we are, that’s all we can do. I’m 32 years old and am just beginning to learn not to people-please. Hopefully my kids will be able to learn it sooner so they won’t have to learn it in their 30s, and God can work on something bigger in them in their 30s!
Jennifer Blacklock 
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